getting back to basics

When I started blogging things were quite a bit different. I was anonymous, for one, and being able to hide behind a facade meant I could be completely raw, honest and vulnerable-without the responsibility that came with putting my real name behind it. When I shut down This? Is Not the Life I Ordered and started this blog, suddenly I was in the spotlight–the real me–and people who knew the real me, were reading it. Slowly, but surely, I stopped writing. I didn’t feel comfortable in this space, I didn’t feel like I could be myself here and so I didn’t want to hang out here. I didn’t want to put my story here. So I shut it down. I took down¬†everything I ever wrote here, and walked away, for one whole year.

In an exercise in self-improvement, I am trying to get better about being vulnerable. It’s something I have struggled with for a long time and not just online. I have a hard time opening up and becoming close to people. So I am starting here, in a space where I felt, and still feel, rather vulnerable in. I’m leaning into the uncomfortable and redefining what this space means to me.

I spent the past year exploring this great state that I live in, and even traveled beyond its borders for some spectacular adventures. I’ve further developed the great friendships I’ve made here in Boulder, have gotten a dog, renovated my condo that I bought in 2014, have picked up a couple new hobbies, and have delved further into things I’m passionate about like design, cooking and baking. I’ve even embraced this whole adult coloring book thing and after a 25 year break, am back on a bike.

I’ve also had some setbacks–my anxiety has gotten worse which has lead to the development of a fear of things I usually like to do. My fear of heights has also gotten worse when it was getting much better in the years prior which also hasn’t helped my anxiety over the outdoor activities I once loved. I’ve stopped being as social as I once was, and I’m not as active as I once was. I’m working on all of these things.

All in all, life is great. It’s got its ups and downs and I’m looking forward to once again sharing them with you, along with all my adventures. I’ll be posting more recipes, more about my travels, and and more about conquering fears and dealing with my anxiety. Mainly, I will be talking about life.

It’s good to be back.

  • KezUnprepared

    So awesome to see you in this space again :) I spent years feeling really weird about letting my identity be revealed. I still feel a little cagey sometimes but I realise that I have nothing to apologise for. I’m me and me is OK. I can trust myself. I have been breaking down so many barriers lately – letting myself be vulnerable. I have to say it has been the most rewarding thing I’ve ever tried. I have deepened so many connections by letting people in :)
    Sure, you come across some assholes who exploit that or who suddenly do a disappearing act, but I’m learning that they are definitely a minority. Especially online.
    I suffer from anxiety too – I feel you. Being able to name it and express what it’s like really has helped. I wish you lots of luck in kicking its ass x

  • Lacey Bean

    Good to see you back! I’ve been struggling with anxiety issues this year as well. Hope to see more of your writing <3

  • Erin Ollila

    Welcome back!

  • Baking Suit

    Welcome back. It’s good to see you. Anxiety and all. HUG.