I quit dating six weeks ago and you know what? I don’t miss it one single bit. There has not been one single minute where I have sat and been like, wow I miss dating. Not one regret, not one longing, not one single second devoted to I WISH I WAS STILL DOING IT.
I kind of thought it would be harder than this.
I dated a lot. There’s no sugar coating that; I have spent the past seven years dating one guy after another, after another. Hell, in New York I had nights where I had two dates in the span of a few hours. One for dinner, one for drinks. Moving to Boulder definitely calmed me down but I still dated a lot more than my girlfriends. I was a little self conscious about it at first. You would think with all this dating, all this “putting myself out there,” I would have met someone. I met some great guys but in the end, I wound up quitting. Not just because I hadn’t met anyone, I wasn’t even that frustrated, but I was bored, my expectations were too high, and I have forgotten to think about what I want.
For a while I was looking for a guy to fill a void in my life, a void that I knew no guy could fill but I kept trying anyway. I’ve stopped that, I’ve filled that void myself and no longer feel that hole that was so present for so many years. My life feels full. I’ve been feeling for months like I want to find someone to add to my life, rather than be my life. Be honest with yourself, how many people can actually say that? Who aren’t just saying it because that’s what we’re supposed to say, what we’re supposed to feel? Because I sure have been saying it for the past seven years, believing myself when I would say it to friends, but I wasn’t actually living it.
The biggest hurt I ever did myself was allowing me to put my feelings, my wants, and my needs behind those I dated. I have been told countless times that it’s not ok to want what I want, that what I want will scare guys away and WE DON’T WANT TO SCARE THEM AWAY, GIRLS. Because their feelings are more important than ours. Their wants are more important than ours. Since when did what someone else want trump what I want? So I’ve accepted things that I shouldn’t have. I’ve put up with shit because I didn’t want to scare the guy off. I sacrificed what I wanted, kept in the constant fear that I would be found out, just so that I could be with someone.
I also believe that treating guys like they’re fragile, fearful beings has not given them enough credit. They can handle it. But maybe, just maybe, it has given them an easy way out of anything that may not be “comfortable.” Maybe at times in the past I’ve come across as too clingy, maybe I’ve just wanted too much sometimes, and maybe I’m a little too intense when I want something. I have both showed this side of me, and I’ve also hid it, catering to what I thought the guy wanted me to be. Neither have worked for me. (To my credit, I knew none of these relationships were right for me. There was always some red flag, something that I noticed–and ignored–that made me realize that things weren’t right, but I kept at it. I was–dare I say it–that afraid of being alone.)
I’m still waiting for someone to surprise me….ok, maybe not waiting. That makes me sound like I’m sitting on my sofa waiting for him to walk through my front door. I am sitting on my sofa but I’m just watching the men’s slopestyle skiing and men’s ice skating (INCREDIBLE, RIGHT?). Right now I’m more concerned with not giving up my life, or my wants, for a guy. I want to continue to build up a solid foundation for a great life and not give that up the minute a guy enters the picture. I don’t want to lose myself in someone. Despite all the work that I have done on myself recently I’m still wary of my ability to keep my self intact while in a relationship.
What was the point of this post? Oh yeah, it’s been six weeks of being 100% single and it’s so much better than I thought it was going to be. So much easier to do. Now I MUST go pack for my weekend with friends in the mountains performing our own Olympic winter games that include competitive snow angels, snowball fights and I’m sure some competitive drinking.
Oh, and I guess, Happy Valentine’s Day?