Back in November and December, and even half way through January, I was depressed. Not just the mild winter blues I usually get, but the full on, haven’t been this depressed in more than a decade blues. I didn’t see a way out of my misery and every night as I cried myself to sleep and every morning came without any lightening of my mood, I wondered when I would feel normal again. I hated being that sad.
It seemed that nothing could make me happy, not even things that had once been tried and true. If you had talked to me it would have been all doom and gloom; my blog was non-existent during this period. I couldn’t bring myself to write about what was going on in my head, in fact I couldn’t find the words to properly convey just what was going on. I’d sit down to write and…nothing. I once turned to my blog to pour out my feelings but sometimes, the feelings are just too intense to put down in words. Maybe it’s better that way.
I was lost, for lack of a better term. I could say I don’t know what brought it on, but I do. It’s well-documented in my journal around mid-August. Someone came back into my life and was trying hard to be a part of it again. I wrote about how I felt it would set me back, that I was afraid I would only get hurt. I know how that story ends and it was by putting me dead last and putting my happiness in his hands when he had no intentions of ever making me happy (instead placing himself and his needs first), that I ended up head first into a crippling depression. Once he was out of my life I felt a lift, but it wasn’t enough. I still wasn’t putting myself first, instead walking right into another bad situation and putting my needs and wants on the back burner.
Once that ended, I realized I needed to do what made me happy. Not anyone else. In fact, it was sitting on my friend Chad’s sofa the night things finally ended with the last guy that my epiphany happened. I had just started Stratejoy’s Fierce Love course and had kind of put it to the side that first week, but I had taken that first step. Instead of doing the self love things that I had brainstormed about, I was drinking beer, watching crap television (Sons of Guns, in case you were wondering). Chad was spouting off lines he’d heard the owner of this gun shop say and one stuck out:
“You’ll never be able to make apple pie out of a bag of oranges.”
I keep jumping from one guy to the next, throwing myself into things expecting different results but always getting more of the same. I hate being alone, I’ve talked about it before, and everyone kept telling me Be alone for a while! You have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you. I had reached an all time low in self esteem and self-confidence and well, I’m sick of it. I am ready to put myself first and make a life I love and want to be living, not hoping the right guy will come along and make my life fun again. I was living my life based on other people’s lives. That’s not living. That’s not happiness.
So I’ve been on the search to find my happiness, figuring out what makes me happy and doing it. Places I’ve found my happiness?
- Taking hikes by myself in the middle of the woods. I can be quite lazy and it tends to be easier to just sit at home or go shopping than go to the trailhead and just go for a walk. But the few hours I spend in the sun in the most gorgeous of scenery that I am extremely blessed to be living amongst. It’s nice to be in the silence of the woods with only my thoughts. Plus that vitamin D is pretty sweet.
- Reading at night with classical music. I feel like such an old lady admitting this but it was purely by accident that I discovered how much I loved lying on my sofa, reading a book with classical music playing on Spotify.
- Seeing movies by myself. I wrote about my first date I took myself on last weekend and this weekend, I repeated it by going to see Silver Linings Playbook (which was fantastic, by the way). It is something that I’ve been so nervous to ever do by myself but now I don’t know why I waited so long! I love it.
- Playing with the shelter dogs. When I started volunteering at the humane society here in November, it was the one shining light during my depression. I really don’t know who gets more out of my walking them: the dogs or me. Puppy cuddles are the best.
- No coffee. But I love coffee! Especially Trader Joe’s Gingerbread coffee. I drink it every day and I have enjoyed it for the past two years. You know what else I’ve also enjoyed for the past two years? Horrible, crippling anxiety. Anxiety I didn’t have until two years ago. Granted, there were other factors involved in the heightening of my anxiety but it’s hard to deny the connection there. Last week I gave up coffee, replacing it with tea and…no more anxiety. Not even when I found out it was going to cost $5k to fix my car. I was stressed sure, but the anxiety didn’t squeeze my heart up tight and cause me to spiral out of control. It was a nice discovery and while I miss coffee, I really don’t miss my anxiety.
I’m going to continue to hunt down the things that make me happy and I’m going to stay single until a guy comes along who complements my life, not is my life. Someone who is worthy to be part of my life. My depression has finally lifted and I spend my days happy and content, going to bed in a good mood and waking up lighter than air. I have made a promise to myself to put me first for a while and I intend to keep it.