What an ugly little bitch of a friend it can be.
I have had insomnia since I was 21. That is NINE YEARS of not getting a good nights sleep. Nine years of being constantly tired.
My insomnia ranges. When I lived in NYC it was at its height. I would wake up at 3am, no matter what time I went to bed. I was young then and I seemed to function just fine on only a few hours of sleep. But it eventually caught up with me. One of the major reasons I left New York was because of the stress it was taking on me physically and emotionally. You know how grouchy you can feel after not having a good nights sleep? Imagine how you’d feel after six years of sleeping 3-4 hours a night.
Once I left NYC, my insomnia got better. I was able to relax more, I started sleeping a couple more hours a night. I still wasn’t sleeping past 4 or 5 am but that was better than my sleeping habits from before. At this point I will take whatever I can get.
The past couple weeks though my insomnia has raged back. Sometimes, if I’m stressed or worried about something I won’t sleep well. I’ll only get a couple hours a night. I can usually pinpoint why I am not sleeping. This time I cannot. There is no stress, there is nothing worrying me or on my mind (except for whether or not my hammock will be too big for just me.) But I honestly cannot figure out why I’m not sleeping. Thursday night was the worst; I woke up at 2am and stayed awake, attempting to convince myself to go back to sleep. The result was my crying for no reason other than pure exhaustion Friday morning before work.
I don’t remember what it feels like to be well rested, especially on days like Friday where I’ve already had coffee which has done nothing but I know if I have more, I’ll feel even worse than I already do. The irony in all this is that I work for a sleep therapy company. I am essentially the first person a patient with a sleep disorder sees. It’s awesome being exhausted and having your equally sleep deprived patients notice your exhaustion.
I slept a little better last night but still was awake at 3:30, yes, worrying about that hammock. The things I think about in the middle of the night…they don’t make much sense to me either. I never said I was normal.
Have you ever dealt with insomnia? How do you deal with it?