Yesterday I was standing in a construction site inhaling paint dust and covered in construction gunk providing a free service through my job. It might have been the influence of the paint fumes, but I started thinking about how far off track my life has gotten and how much I wished I was there as a designer rather than as a salesman. A few months ago I had been asked where I saw myself in five years. I smiled, all ready to answer with those big bad goals I have for myself and then…nothing came out. In that space in my brain where my dreams should have been was instead a white board, wiped clean of anything that may have been on it previously. At nearly 30, that is a pretty terrifying realization.
I used to have big, crazy, stars-in-my-eyes dreams for my life. If you had asked me where I wanted to be at age 30 when I was all of 22 years old, I would have confidently spouted out how I would own my own (successful) design firm, married with possibly a kid (I was in a long term relationship at that point that was quickly heading in that direction, so, fair enough.), living in a house that I most likely owned. If you had told me then what my life was like now I probably would have laughed. Or cried. A lot.
Now I sit on 30′s doorstep, working in a retail job (about as far away from owning my own firm as possible), contemplating a career change, still living with roommates and as single as can be. With absolutely no life plan. When I even try to formulate a plan because it seems ridiculous that I have no plan for my life five years out–hell, I don’t even have one for a year out!–I get flustered, overwhelmed and then pretend I got distracted and forget about it. Until the next person comes along and asks me that question and then I inwardly panic about how my shit is not together and how am I supposed to answer that?!
You see, I was raised with this belief that by the age of 30 you should have everything in order. It’s not that I haven’t had this fantastic life–I have. It’s dotted with these stories that one day I will tell my grandchildren (you know, if I ever find a guy, actually settle down long enough to pop out a couple babies and hope those babies don’t grow up to be me and childless), stories that are ridiculous and fun and holy shit that actually happened to me. And while this collecting of stories is awesome and I wouldn’t trade my experiences in life for anything but it does makes me wonder just what happened to me along the way. Where my life dreams and goals went off to.
I wouldn’t put it past myself to start looking under sofa cushions and in cupboards to locate these missing goals, that’s about how far lost I am at figuring out what they are. I can’t tell you what I want to do career wise, that’s one big ol’ question mark hovering over my head, one that could produce migraines and potentially a bit of frustrated crying and I try to avoid doing that at all costs. But maybe I can start small, maybe that will give me some form of insight into where I want my life to go.
So what do I want? I want to grow as a person. Rediscover my self-confidence. Dig that creativity out from the hole it’s hiding under. Chill out with the road rage. Find a career I love, not just a job to tide me over until the next big thing. Figure out where my passions lie and then go there. Continue having adventures and create those stories but build a foundation here at home. Become more active. Develop meaningful, rich relationships. Start really saving money. Love again. And most importantly, I want to be happy. Happy with my life. And proud of all that I’ve created. That’d be nice too.
I always thought that by the time I hit 30, that the confusion and mess of my 20s would all be settled out and honestly, that my life would appear much more adult-like. I certainly never imagined myself where I am now, working where I do and how far off track I’ve become. I sometimes wonder if my moving to Boulder has anything to do with this (but that’s a topic for a whole other post). Life certainly has a way of throwing you curve balls. It’s how you get yourself out of them that counts.
Are you where you wanted to be by now?
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I’m almost 30 too! I totally feel you. I have no idea what to do with myself career wise. I think that’s why my blog has been suffering. If I write what I’ve been thinking it would look like repetitive lines. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want.”
First question: does anyone EVER have their shit together?
I feel you. You probably think I don’t, when I tell you that I have a career (that I enjoy) and a husband and a cute apartment, but still am not where I thought I would be at this point.
You know, a lot of people’s life just SEEM very “together”, but many have the same doubts and fears that you describe in your post.
I also believe that once you have all that you thought you should have at a certain age, you start “looking” again. It’s the never-ending story of wanting what you can’t/don’t have.
You’ll figure it out. Just try to make the best of it along the way. (Ha, easier said than done, I know.)
I am nowhere near where I thought I would be by now! 25 is just around the corner (still plenty of time left in my 20′s, I know) and life is a far cry from what I expected. I’ve started to accept that I really can’t plan for things – the best I can do is decide what sort of qualities I want to have as a person and use that knowledge to build my best life.
Omg I can relate to this soooooo much. I’m in exactly the same spot as you, except that I’m 27. But yeah- I’m def nowhere near where I thought I’d be :-/ and I’m trying to figure out where to go.
Already 30.
I can tell ya that it’s much more productive to think about the possibilities and continue striving for your vision, rather than to lament on how time has flown and you haven’t gotten what you expected done. After all, those are just expectations of a former you, rather than actual laid-out plans to reach specific goals that the current you wants.
Ah! Chris is turning 30 in March! He’s freaking out a bit and definitely does not have his shit together.
I’m almost 32.
I’m not where I thought at 20 where I thought I’d be now.
I’m in a better place and love me more than I could have if that path had continued.
I don’t think everyone needs a 5 year plan. I think you need to be comfortable where you are now and do the best you can while you’re there…that said, none of us are trees, if you don’t like it, change it.
Not really. But I’m getting there. Not because I’m working this job or married to that man or giving birth to ten babies. It’s only because I’m slowly but surely becoming more confident in myself.
And something for you…six months ago, I was working a job that annoyed me, stressed out about school, living in a box apartment, and contemplating getting a cat because of how single I was. And now my life looks so different. Not necessarily better in all those domains (my job is still stressful), but different. Life happens fast and it changes fast. I mean, sometimes it’s slow, but sometimes it’s fast. So something awesome might just be around the corner. It probably is, at least. You’re really awesome. You’re growing. I see it when I read this blog. So yes, I reiterate, something awesome is around the corner.
Ha.
Did I even know a year ago that I’d be married with a little son? Life can change quickly. I have no idea what I am doing. Everything since Miles was born has changed. I feel like everything is in flux… I will change my mind constantly trying to figure out what idea feels better for us.
I love you.
I’m not where I thought I would be, not at all, but I like where I am right now.
Like you, when I think of the next five years, I get incredibly anxious. Where am I going? What am I doing? Will I be alone forever? Ahhhh!
Turning 30 was a HUGE disappointment for me. (I cried for a week before and after my birthday!) But being 30 has been one of the most liberating times of my entire life.
You’ll find your passion and your way and your five-year plan, I know you will. You just have to actually face that question, day by day. I’m right there with you. So, if you need someone to talk to, I’m here!
I think when we’re in our teens and early 20s (hell, even LATE 20s), we have this idea about life and what lies ahead of us. But as time goes on and we grow older (and wiser), I think we realize that’s not actually how life works.
There is nothing wrong with dreaming big dreams and setting huge goals for ourselves, but I’ve learned that I’m happiest when I live in the present. I do think about the future, and try to plan ahead a bit for it, but focusing on what I have going on now is far more important.
If there are things you really want to do, write those things down, then write down steps that you’ll need to take to get there. Then start taking those steps – even if they’re the teensiest, tiniest baby steps!
And for what it’s worth, I’ll be 32 this year and so far my 30s have been awesome and some of the best years of my life. I hope the same will be true for you!
A year ago, my answer would have been, “Absolutely not.” I like to think that I didn’t just take the reins since then, I got out of the carriage, bitch slapped myself, got back in, and started over. It’s working out well.
I am proud of what I’ve done, but definitely not where I thought I’d be. It does freak me out, but I keep having the thought that there is so much more life after 30. I mean, decades! It’s not like you figure your shit out by 30 and then just cruise through the rest of life. My parents were in a good place at 30, and then divorced and each had to basically start over at 35. I think the urgency we feel is good, but we have so much time!
Don’t worry, you aren’t the only one out there that has these feelings. I’ll be 30 this year and I still live at home, have a job I can’t stand and single. The single part doesn’t bother me, but the rest does. Hang in there! It’ll get better!
I’ll agree with everyone else in saying that I am no where near where I expected to be 5 years ago. But I think that’s the thing about life… it’s good to have an idea but not expect it to happen in the time frame we want it to.
There are many things we have to learn in order to have and be happy with what we want. If everything went by our schedule, we wouldn’t necessarily appreciate or connect with what we want deeply and fully.
I am in a similar situation when it comes to design. I’ve been in a burned out-ness and lost my self-confidence. But over the past few months I’ve been getting back up and rebuilding that confidence. I think you are taking great steps to get back up, A. Keep going. I’m rooting for you!