Throwing in the towel. Also known as the day I gave up dating.

Oct
2011
08

posted by on Relationships

14 comments

Tell me. When did it become okay to break up with someone via email? And also tell me this. Since when did it become okay to break up with someone via email while they were at work? 

The last two guys I’ve dated both seem to find this not only acceptable, but the guy before this? Thought it was the most opportune time to torture me and bring up hard issues. He claimed it was because there were other people around to support me. Yeah, and there also were about 500 people I DIDN’T KNOW that I had to put on a happy face for around me. It is disrespectful, horrible timing and about the worst possible place you could throw something like this at me. Not to mention inconsiderate and extremely selfish. Makes things super easy for them–they don’t have to deal with a crying mess. Instead my manager and two coworkers have to. And some customers I may have scared by being a weepy mess.

This morning, right before a long 9 hour shift, I got an email from the guy I’ve been dating telling me how wonderful, how gorgeous, how fun I am, I even think he referred to how amazing I was–@$@$#%%^&@@$–but we had to end things. He wasn’t ready for a relationship and didn’t want to try for one at this point. I swear to…whatever higher power you want to believe in. If ONE MORE GUY tells me how wonderful I am and then follows it with a BUT I’M NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP, I may start throwing heavy objects in their general direction. I know I’m fucking wonderful. But what makes me not relationship material?

If I were to write about all the times I have gotten the exact same speech from the guys I’ve dated, it could fit into a novel–make that a trilogy. This year especially has been a real doozy for my heart and while I’d like to not give up hope that maybe, maybe, there’s someone out there for me, I have to take myself out of the game. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that I am no longer dating, that I can’t take it any more and then I find myself dating someone new. However, I’ve officially reached my max capacity for heartbreak and I am handing in my uniform and walking off the field. My heart has not only thrown up like ten white “I Surrender!” flags, it’s started hitting me over the head with them and I’m taking note.

I am taking a man-aitus for an indefinite period of time. No dates, no online dating profiles, no nothing. Not even if the most beautiful man on earth walked up to me and asked me out. I know what you’re thinking, that I shouldn’t give this guy, or any of these guys, that much power over me to make me throw in the towel but I just can’t. I just can’t do it anymore. I really thought this last guy was something special, something different. It turned out he’s exactly like every single guy I’ve dated before. My judgement on guys clearly is lacking since the one before this was probably the worst relationship I’ve ever had and while this guy wasn’t nearly as bad, it still hurts pretty bad considering I thought I had finally found a good guy.

I’m taking time to heal, taking time for me and am going to try enjoying being single for a change. I always seem to be at my happiest when I am single so I’m giving this dating myself thing a shot, no matter how much I may want a relationship. And I expect all of you–I’m looking at you internets–to hold me to this.

Also, thinking of getting ten cats and just becoming the crazy old single cat lady. Sounds much more appealing than meeting someone new and starting this whole bullshit thing called dating all over again.

Updated to say a huge thank you to my friends who have reached out for me and to Clare who showed up with her boyfriend and a gingerbread latte at my job to make me feel better. Love you all.

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  • http://intothesound.blogspot.com/ Fen

    I’m really sorry that these men, no, boys, deem it fit to break up with you via email. To do it whilst you’re at work makes it ten times worse, and gutless. People seem to have lost the art of communication, or APPROPRIATE communication & that’s really frustrating.

    Take the time to grieve and heal and never say never. But time to yourself is also good. Big internet hugs from me.

  • http://linda.curious-notions.net linda

    I’m sorry about the cowards. I wish these boys would accept that ending a relationship respectfully means having that uncomfortable conversation in person and not hide behind emails, texts, and your work schedule. I’m glad though to hear you are going to date yourself. Hope you go on amazing dates.

  • http://www.stephanywrites.com Stephany

    Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear this, Ashley. How awful! Breaking up via email is not OK in the least and shows the maturity level of these “men”. I’m just sorry to see your heart broken again because you deserve so much better.

    But being single and being content in that is also really important and I hope you take this time to take a break from it all and figure out what you want.

  • http://insertmyblognamehere.blogspot.com Paula

    I hear ya, and feel your pain. I’m in a similar place right now. Big hugs.x

  • Kittie Flyn

    Yuck! I’m so sorry that happened. I agree. Dating sucks. I’ve been on a dating hiatus for two years. I honestly haven’t missed it one bit.

  • lisa

    I’m sorry it is happening this way for you. I think you are doing the right thing by giving yourself time for yourself. Hugs.

  • http://www.neverniche.com Clare – Never Niche

    {{{{{{{{{{{{squeeze}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  • http://www.hope.gr Eleni Zoe

    Mother#$%#^! Over email is so not cool. Your man-aitus sounds like a good plan. One of my best friends went on those for about six months and she was then, and is now one year later, the happiest I’ve seen her in a long time.

    Here’s to finding yours too. :)

  • http://gabsfromeliza.wordpress.com Eliza

    You are preaching to my choir, Chica! I’ve been on the hiatus for more than a year, and while it’s not perfect, I’m 100% focused on me and bettering myself (by immersing myself in school and leaving no time for socializing!) I definitely have moments of weakness where I let the last POS enter my mind, but I’m much better off today than I was a year ago.

    And if it makes you feel better… I was dumped by a text message… which simply said, “Stop acting like I’m breaking up with you, this hasn’t been a real relationship in months. What are you holding onto?” Nice, huh? The kicker? Saw him with another girl two weeks later, and a few weeks after that he was proclaiming his new love all over Facebook with photos and official relationship status… something he never entertained with me for the year we were together.

    So… know that you’re not alone in this “why can’t you commit to me but can commit to someone else?” feeling. Keep your chin up. Just keep thinking… the more hell we go through now may just result in an even better happily ever after.

    In the wise words of Miss Carrie Bradshaw, “…but the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

  • http://www.myeverydayadventures.com Jessica

    Damn, I’m sorry girl. That sucks. And to do it via email during WORK HOURS is poor taste. Sending you a big hug girl. Miss your face!

  • http://awesomelyunprepared.wordpress.com Kez

    Ugh! You deserve so much better than that!! Hugs x

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  • http://www.adorkableme.com Erini

    that whole “you’re amazing, but just not for me” BS ALWAYS irks me. I get it, deep down, I do… but seriously. Might punch the next dude who says that to me.

    Trying to be careful with my heart right now… sometimes you feel like you can only be hurt so many times before you just can’t deal with it any more, as you know.

    *hugs* Glad you’re taking time to take care of yourself though.

  • Craig@work

    Thanks for sharing, couple thoughts. Eliza had a couple good points, and I’ll share a couple of mine with you… I am several years older than you, and honestly, wasn’t ready for a long term relationship until I was in my mid-thirties. I really feel you have to be completely comfortable with yourself and your life before you can truly offer the opportunity to be a good partner. If you don’t know what you want, how will you mesh with someone else and not know if it is what you want or if you are trying to force yourslef into a mold that fits something they seem to want, but might not be so sure? An example, I dated this woman (notice I didn’t say “girl”) in Virginia Beach. We met at a club, hit it off, didn’t rush into the sex side of things or anything, but despite enjoying the time together, I just didn’t have the feeling inside that would lead me to believe I could be a good partner, so instead of dragging things out, I broke it off. She didn’t understand at first, but I knew that I just couldn’t see my self in a long term relationship with her, and I didn’t want to be in the relationship for false reasons, or convenient physical gratification while hiding my feelings behind a facade.
    I am not saying I figured everything, or feel so self-confident to label myself perfect, but in that relationship I knew I had to move on and not lead them farther down a path that was a dead end. I feel for you in that you were hurt, and certainly don’t condone the separation declaration delivered electronically instead of face-to-face, but perhaps he saw his heart wasn’t in the relationship and came to the same sort of realization I did, and bailed because you deserved better than what he could give you?
    Anyway, you are a beautiful, strong woman with great friends and a unique and entertaining outlook on things (evidenced by your blog that we all love to read!), so continue molding y oruslef, and sometime, someone will show up that will blend with your life! Marriage, maybe, don’t sweat that until you’ve walked a long road with someone and worked out the important things!!!