(Ashalah’s Note: I almost didn’t publish this. I actually wrote this yesterday and due to my breaking my blog AGAIN, I was unable to publish it. After sleeping on it I wondered if this was something I should share with my readers but despite those doubts, I’m publishing it anyway. I’m not sure why I’m nervous about publishing it, but I am nonetheless.)
Ever since I came back from Europe I’ve been having a hard time finding the balance between the old me and the new me that went through this crazy-awesome experience and came out the better for it. When I came back, and even while I was traveling, I knew that I had to shut down my old blog, that I needed to start fresh in the same way that I had essentially pushed the reset button on my life and had started over. Yet, when I started over I suddenly found myself in the middle of an online identity crisis. My voice had suddenly disappeared, a voice I had crafted at my old blog, one I could easily see when I reread through my old posts while I hid them.
Yet that old me on that blog is not the current me. I had some great content, some funny stories but my best stuff came from when I was upset or depressed about something. I’m actually ridiculously happy now so that style of writing that comes out when I’m incredibly emotional, isn’t going to resurface as long as I’m happy. (Which I’m fine with!) As far as a consistent writing voice goes, mine has been lacking. For the last few months, since starting this blog, I’ve plodded through hoping my new voice would eventually find itself after enough times of hitting publish. A few months in and it still is missing. Something is missing.
I’m in a constant state of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I’m struggling with needing a job and wanting to get the perfect one, trying to make friends and balancing my social life with my dating life with my need for alone time. Juggling my online life and trying to figure out how I want to be involved in it.
Back when I started blogging I never had a thought about this, about how I wanted to be involved. I didn’t care that people read my blog (more like who didn’t read it), I didn’t write to inspire people, I didn’t write for an audience. I wrote for me. I’m surrounded by people here in Boulder who are active online and I feel like my online presence should be like theirs. I’m not them though and this is becoming glaringly more apparent the more time I’m around them, listening to them speak about blogging and social media. I love the people I’ve met here and think it is awesome what they do and how involved they are.
But it’s not me.
I tweet about the most ridiculous, unimportant things. Basically, letting my inner voice run rampant in a public setting. It works for me. Not everyone likes it, I don’t put up things that are going to make people think, and I’m not always engaging others. I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure (100% from myself) to change that though.
I love that I can be so open about my blog here, that people know who I am online as well as offline and they’re cool with it. I’m even considering letting the new boy read it (he even knows about it and is cool with whether he reads it or not). At the same time, I kind of miss having no one know, too. I miss having friends who were not involved with blogging.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore the friendships I’ve crafted out here through Twitter and blogging and am so indebted to this community for giving me this awesome way to transition into living here. Without these mediums, I would not have met any of the people I have. It’s been great and I love the people I’ve met. But it can be exhausting, all this talk of blogging and social media. This constantly being connected and everyone knowing what I’m doing at all times of the day. (I’m the biggest twitter addict EVER)
When I was in Europe I checked my email once, maybe twice a day (if I had free internet). I would blog maybe once or twice a month, maybe more if I had a compelling story like the one about the Messenger. I went on twitter maybe once a day, sometimes just once a week. I did not have a cell phone for THREE MONTHS. Things that I think I couldn’t live without, I managed to do without, and did quite well. I didn’t miss it at all.
Nope, I didn’t miss my cell phone. I didn’t miss twitter. I didn’t miss blogging. (I did miss email though.)
Even while I’m sitting here on my sofa writing this, I’m multitasking between Twitter, Tumblr, my gmail inbox and gchatting with two bloggers and my best friend in NYC. I’m clicking through to articles about a woman who wants to become the fattest woman in the world, reading things that don’t really mean anything to me because I’m not at SxSW and the latest celebrity gossip. On one of my click-throughs led me to an article about Miley Cyrus and why she quit twitter. While some of it I disagreed with, I couldn’t help nodding along in partial understanding with this:
“I feel like I hang out with my friends and they’re so busy taking pictures of what they’re doing and putting them on Facebook that they’re not really enjoying what they’re doing. You’re going to look back and have a million pictures, but you’re not going to be in any of them. Because you’re not having fun, you’re too busy clicking away. So I think just enjoy the moment you’re in, and stop telling people about it. Just enjoy it.”
I will find myself twitpic-ing my food at dinners and tweeting while I’m out with friends. Things that I do want to share with everyone, but when I pull out my phone I’m automatically putting up a wall between myself, and the experience. I’m no longer involved in what is happening. Instead, I am on my phone. While I love social media, twitter and blogging, I have been finding myself in a little bit of an inner battle with it. The part of me that wants to share versus the part of me that thinks its incredibly rude doing so when in the company of others.
I don’t want to give up blogging, twittering or going to blog events. But I do need to turn them off more than I do. Some people are good at social media, some are not. I fall in the latter category. I feel like I’m no longer blogging for the reasons I used to. That I’m not having fun with it because I feel like I need to fit a certain mold in order to get readers. My last blog exploded because I just was myself and while I’m having a hard time dealing with the fact that this blog is no where near, and may never be, as popular as my last blog, I need to just be myself.
I’m not an inspirational blogger. I love reading those who are and while I go through spurts where I’m inspired myself and write about it, I will never be that person who constantly has something wise to say. I’m not a travel blogger, but I sure as hell would love to be. I have so many stories to tell, so many new trips I’m planning, but I’m not a travel blogger. I’m not a humor blogger. Sure, I try to be funny and reading over my old blog’s archives I had a few good laughs over fights with cockroaches and how friggin DRAMATIC I can be, but I’m not a comedian. I’m not a career blogger. I won’t even try to be.
I started blogging in 2007. I am proud as hell to have been a part of the beginning of something that became so huge, to be one of the first people who joined. I’m proud as hell that my last blog was as popular as it was, that I was able to reach all those people. But I did it without it taking over my life and right now, I feel like the online world has taken over.
I love that my friends are passionate about what they do, that they love social media as much as they do. It’s awesome being surrounded by motivated, ambitious people. I want to be a social media person, but I’m not. I’m a fucking interior designer and THAT is what I love. THAT is my passion. I’m good at it because of that exact reason. My friends are great at social media because that is their passion, that is what they excel at. I love colors, furniture and well designed spaces. People who are as geeky about good design as I am. I’m lucky enough to be dating someone who gets as excited over design as I do, who makes cutting boards that make me drool (I’m not even joking when I say I gasped when I saw his stuff), who gets it.
For now, I will be uninstalling Tweetdeck from my computer so I’m not constantly connected. I will be blogging when I feel like I have something I want to write about, and I’m also going to become more open as well. I tried not being too personal on this blog, like I was on the last, but really? That’s what this blog is about. ME. If it’s not personal, what is it??
For now, I’m going to try shutting off my computer more often, try disconnecting more and engaging with real life situations more often. I’m going to try this little thing called finding my balance.
How do you find your balance in the online jungle that we’re all a part of?
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I love this post (and I can speak personally, as I’m one of your new Boulder friends;)
I also have other ideas and thoughts to add to this. It’s so interesting to me because 98% of my friends are offline, don’t even know/remember I blog and were all met organically (college, traveling, growing up together, through a friend, etc.) So I actually don’t feel the same way as you here and really, since Doni and you moved here, you’re the first where there’s this social media circle I have here. Silly, right? Nonetheless, I know where you stand and how you feel.
Also, I think it’s all bullshit about how/what we tweet and blog about (not your idea about it, but rather, the right/wrong way). It’s really a beautiful process to see where we’ve come from and what we blogged about. For instance, my blog was meant for no one to really read (just my mom really). I mean, look at this blog post: (http://smallhandsbigideas.com/uncategorized/rocky-mountain-national-park/) that’s what I used to write and I love it. Overtime, I realize that I have evolved to think differently and want to share different information, but I’m embracing that and seeing where it’s going. Your blog is raw, honest and fun … and like you said, it is you now.
It’s funny because Mizz Nicole Antoinette just wrote this beautiful post (http://www.stratejoy.com/2010/03/the-21st-century-threesome-me-you-and-my-blog/) about how involved her life is with her blog and how it is the catalyst for the life she has created and lived. Interesting comparison and timing.
For me, I balance it by unplugging (e.g. in Mexico, 5 days no phone no internet no nothing) and also made a resolution to unplug at least ONE day a week completely which I still do and love it. Usually Saturdays when Im at the mountain or traveling or doing something fun. It’s much better that way. Also, I tend to not really tweet all weekend…it just depends of course, but it ends up that way.
Alas, we must do what works for us. It is a hard balance and I think it’s always a work in progress.
I love your idea of unplugging for one day a week. I might have to try that. <3 Thanks for your great comment (and for pointing out Nicole’s post today!)
I’m glad you ended up posting this. Balancing is really hard, but yes, you have to make a conscious effort to do so. I found that I just didn’t like being online as much as I was, so if making fewer comments on blogs, writing less, Tweeting less, keeping up less, if that’s what it took, then that’s what it took. Now, I find that I don’t even want to get on as much, and that helps me to pursue what I’m passionate about (something I struggled with greatly for a while). You’ve been through so much the past year, and you are a different person now. Let that shine through (haha, that sounds so cheesy now that I go back and read it, but for realz.).
It’s ok, I love cheesy
I keep my balance by not thinking about it too much. Otherwise I’d go nuts!
My blog has no consistent voice. No running theme. Sometimes I will blog a part 1 post and never follow up with part 2 (no-one seems to notice haha).
My tweets get boring (or neglected) because I can’t stand the thought of standing there tweeting while there are real life people around me and experiences to be involved in.
I know my online persona suffers because of this but the real life me is so much happier!
I get less comments on my blog, it’s not an overly pretty website, but I don’t care!
I often remind myself during blogger’s block that if I go out and live my life, the material will come and my soul will be fulfilled
AWESOME outlook, I love the whole material will come and my soul will be fulfilled. AMEN.
Wow, great post, I have been thinking about and struggling with some of these same things myself lately. I am so glad you published this and thanks for your openness and honesty. We all need time to unplug!
I love your honesty here! This is something that I think a lot of us struggle with and its so personal that it’s hard to work through what helps you and what doesn’t.
My main advice would be to take some time for yourself. I did this a few weeks ago, I started trying to limit my twitter updates so I was only tweeting maybe five times a day instead of the 30+ I had been, just as a way to get my mental space back. I pre-wrote some posts and then left writing for a week, and I just dove into things that I really loved and wanted to discover.
Sharing is great, and wanting to share things with your friends through twitter and blogging is fantastic- but for me when it becomes a habit instead of something I really want to do because WOW this is amazing… then I need to re-evaluate. Just keep trying different things and you will find your balance in time! (and if you’re anything like me, then you’ll lose it again… and then find it again… and then lose it!…lol)
I feel like I’ve been through this before on my old blog haha, so I’m sure I’ll go back and forth and back and forth, like you say. I should bookmark this and when I feel like this again in like 6 months, I will just pull it out and remember
You’re right. The social media and blogging talk gets exhausting. A lot of it is just the same thing said different ways. It’s a big part of my life though obviously but it’s definitely not my WHOLE life. I’m trying to finding a balance as well.
I stopped tweeting about social media and blogging. I took it out of my twitter profiles and all that. And I stopped being worried about traffic. I pulled my ads off one of my sites. I don’t need to post every day to keep content fresh. I post when I have something to say now. It’s obvious when someone is forcing content and scraping the bottom of the barrel for something to write about.
I’m much happier just being ME. And being me is tweeting/blogging about Zac Efron, etsy finds and my nail polish. And if people don’t like it, they can keep it moving. I’m working on focusing on why I started my blog.
And to be perfectly honest, I find I relate to people/blogs more and get inspired by those who are just telling their own story. If a blogger is going out of your way to try to inspire me, it just doesn’t seem genuine. That’s just my thought on those “inspirational blogs”.
I completely agree with this entire comment. Love your face. And love your tweets about nailpolish and etsy finds. (Seriously, I’m going to come raid your collection!)
I love this… I think you are doing the right thing to find your balance.
Plus you are living by one of my mottos, ‘It is all about me’ and my happiness! 
Hugs my friend!!
“I’m in a constant state of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I’m struggling with needing a job and wanting to get the perfect one, trying to make friends and balancing my social life with my dating life with my need for alone time. Juggling my online life and trying to figure out how I want to be involved in it.”
I am right there with you, I’m finding my life in a state of flux. I really appreciate that you posted this.
I’m not nearly as connected as other bloggers are, but I still love it. Why? I don’t feel the need to tweet or blog every day. I blog when I have something to say, something I’m thinking about, or something I need to process. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s OK. I don’t blog about funny videos that make me laugh, and I don’t consider myself inspirational, but I do have a story to tell. My childhood was really messed up, and most of my posts come from processing how it affected me and turned me into the person I am. I try to remember that this is supposed to be fun, most of all. And I do find time to “unplug”. Usually, when I go home, I leave blogging and social media behind. Instead, I spend my evenings with my dogs and my husband, laughing and enjoying life.
It’s extremely exhausting. You’re right. So right. I have talked to several close friends about this recently – that while I love this space and I owe a lot to everything I’ve done and the people I’ve met over the past 15 months, it gets VERY old sometimes.
I think with me, it’s somewhat of a catch 22. Now, my livelihood depends on how active I am in the online space – it’s how I find clients, how clients find me, and ultimately how I put food on the table and pay the rent. So in that regard, I feel like I sort of HAVE to stay engaged, even when I want to back away.
With that being said, there still has to be a balance – and I’m understanding and appreciating that much more now than ever. I force myself to back off – especially on the weekends. Almost a total disconnect. I see so many people who are ALWAYS active, ALWAYS engaged and talking and it’s crazy to me. Like, what did these people do before Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, etc? We all need to take a deep breath and step away more often.
Thanks for this post. You have to do what’s best for you – and your clearly doing it. Rock on Ash!
Wow lady, took the words right out of my…hands?!
I am struggling with this so much right now-I started my blog on a whim, as a way to share the lil things I love and the crazy situations I get into. I never ever imagined it would turn into what it is now, and while I love it, sometimes I find myself with nothing to blog about because I’m not truly LIVING as I was before. I’m updating/commenting/emailing/twittering/facebooking…”connecting” to the point of becoming disconnected.
My blog is a part of my income now and so many amazing opportunities have come from it-but I need to remember to live in the moment, to actually LIVE. And I hate to admit it, but that Miley quote hit my heart.
xo
Online life is hard to balance sometimes, I found it very hard to balance so I ended up shutting it down. I still read blogs, which I enjoy, and I use twitter which is entertaining, but I never found a balance that worked for me. Part of it was complicated by the fact that I was torn between wanting to be personal and not being able to be (because of my job). I hope you find something that works for you!
my husband and i have a blog, but it’s more that we share our experiences living abroad with our family and friends. so, there are times i write daily, but then sometimes i go 2 or 3 weeks without anything.
and it took me having a non-smart phone for 6 months to break me of tweeting and fbing all the damn time.
it depends on why you write. maybe you should get a journal and write in that until you decide why it is that you want to have a blog. clearly, you need to write on a regular basis, but what you want to share to the world, may be something different. perhaps you should think about an interior design blog, if that is your passion.
but remember, you don’t need a blog to define yourself. you don’t need a blog to be someone unique.
I love this. Love love love love love this so much that I’ve read it multiple times. Seriously, I was JUST thinking the other day, “What is my voice? I don’t think I know my voice.” I needed to know someone else is struggling with this straddling of two lives. I love me some social media. Hell, I just got into grad school with the intention of studying social media… but do we have to talk about it all the freakin time? I think all the SXSWi hype totally turned me off for a long time. Had I been there, sure, I would’ve been psyched, but all the content it produced? Gag me. Additionally, even though I LIKE posting positive happy-go-lucky my-life-is-so-introspective posts, you know, sometimes I’d rather bitch. I’m with Jamie. Bring on the nail polish and the fluff. THAT’S me and THAT’S my blog.
Love you.
Although we haven’t met yet, I feel like I know you since I work with your roommate. I just wanted to let you know that, as you can tell from the other comments, you’re definitely not the only one who feels this way.
I got back from my honeymoon last night and was completely disconnected for the entire trip. It was amazing what a difference it made in both my happiness and my attention to the present moment. I was completely absorbed in spending every minute with my husband and totally forgot all about a certain technology conference taking place in Texas. Needless to say, I strengthened the connection to the one person who means more to me than anyone and could care less about the social media “echo chamber”.
While on my trip, I read Gretchen Rubin’s book, The Happiness Project, and two of her points kept jumping out at me. Be you. And remember that what makes other people happy is not necessarily what will make you happy. I think both of these beliefs might help you in rediscovering your mojo.
Looking forward to meeting you in real life and fwiw, I vote for more posts on design.
I’m with Tara, I would like to see design posts–even if it’s just pictures of things you like. Because that’s you, and you are why I read.
I constantly think about how lame my blog is compared to other people our age who have kickass blogs and unmistakeable voices. They’re writing inspirational stuff in every post, and I’m writing about cat pee. I envy their way with words. At the same time though, I don’t want to commit to the kind of online presence some of them have. I would feel so much pressure to produce and perform, and for me that makes it not worth the notoriety.
I can’t tell you how much I understand this- I never miss the internet when I’m out busy and living. I understand what you went through in Europe, since I did the same thing also. Honestly- this is why I stay semi-non-commital to the whole thing- blogging once, MAYBE twice a week…and tweeting whatever the fuck I feel like. It’s good to keep your hand in the pot, stirring things, but it’s also grood ot have your the rest of your SELF out, living, not giving an eff-, no politics, no expectations, no pressure to write
Hugs lady. I feel ya.