Hey, all! It’s Rebekah from Swinging from
the Chandelier, guest posting for Miss Ashalah today! This is a little
something I wrote and, for obvious reasons, couldn’t post on my own blog.
I think that as you read it, you’ll see why…
Blog Crush and I been reading each other for some time and had gotten into
a friendly emailing habit at the beginning of the summer of 2008 – and
then texting, then instant messaging, then phone calls. He was in the
military, though – stationed at the time on the far side of the world, and
even when home he was still a time zone away from me. A lot of our
interaction was just flirty and fun, but we did have some more serious
chats in there about what might happen when he came home, finally meeting
one another, what if this and that. I had been going on a mess of dates
boys that summer, but this guy, the one I’d never met, seemed the most
real to me. It really seemed like we might have something, but of course I
never wrote about THAT. Everyone knows you can’t write about your Blog
Crush, because duh – he reads your blog!
He read my posts about those nutty adventures in dating and admitted that
he was a little jealous, but that he knew he had no claim on me and didn’t
expect me to just sit around and wait from him to come back. He said he
wanted me to be happy.
One balmy September night, a particularly heartbreaking event occurred.
It’s a long story that I’ve already told,
but that night ended up with my ex-boyfriend E coming over to my house and
telling me he still loved me and wanted us to be together again. We had
broken up in the spring and I never thought I’d see him again. So I was
floored. I couldn’t process everything, I couldn’t give him an answer, I
couldn’t do anything, it seemed.
But I could write. And at six o’clock the next morning after not sleeping
a wink, I took it to my blog because I didn’t feel like I had anywhere
else to go.
Blog Crush read it. And he was pissed. He didn’t return texts or emails
for two days. Then, finally: “I wish you’d told me before you posted that.
I’d rather have heard it from you.”
I was a little confused… Mister I-Have-No-Claim-On-You? “How was this
different from any of the million posts you’ve already read about me
hooking up with other people?”
“That was different,” he said. “Because this time it’s pretty obvious that
I’m going to lose.”
He had to know me pretty well to say that. He knows that I can put on two
different shoes and agonize over which goes best with the outfit, but deep
down I already know which ones I’m wearing out the door. And after E came
back, despite all of my questions and fear of having my heart broken
knew I was going to give him another shot. And Blog Crush knew I knew
“I didn’t mean that post to hurt you. I was going to talk to you about
it,” I said.
“I don’t think I’m going to read you anymore,” he wrote one day soon after
this all happened. “I’m sorry, but I really can’t stand seeing you all
happy and in love with someone else.”
So I guess that’s how it ends with a Blog Crush. He stops reading you.
Until one day, he does again.
After I posted my vacation pictures last week, including one of E and me
together being all schmoopy-happy, Blog Crush posted (no, I didn’t stop
reading him either). This is part of it:
“i’ve never understood when someone looks at their “replacement” and
says “i don’t get it, what’s he/she/it got that i don’t?” that’s the
point. you can’t see it, which is probably why you weren’t a good match
for the object of your unrequited affections. to me, if there had been
some tangible, superficial item that caught my eye, i’d feel worse. that’d
mean she was a shallow, insensitive person who i’d completely misjudged.
but she’s not. she’s great and followed her heart.”
I texted him, and we had little conversation using words like “closure”
and “moving on.” He said he had been reading after all, and he was happy
for me. Then we chatted a little about this and that, just friendly stuff
So maybe that’s really how it ends with a Blog Crush. You get a Blog
Friend out of the deal, because the thing that linked you originally (pun
intended) is still there. And it can heal as well as hurt.